As a man of faith—and plenty of flaws, I admit—I found the recent announcement of all these new top-level domains rather confusing.
There is a proposed faith.church and a church.faith, but each will be owned by a different.foundation. There will be a catholic.bible, a bible.faith, a faith.catholic, and a catholic.church, each of which will be owned and operated by a different.company. The Catholic Church won’t own or operate catholic.church; instead you have to go to church.catholic.
Is the devil catholic? I don’t know, maybe I should check out devil.catholic. If I can’t find him there, I’m sure I’ll find him at devil.bible. Or devil.church?
There will be a God.church, God.faith, God.bible, God.catholic and God.love, faith.blog, blog.faith, catholic.blog, blog.catholic, bible.blog and blog.bible all operated by people with profoundly different agendas. There will be an author.bible, and a bible.author. Where should you go to find out who authored the Bible? I know! I’ll go to bible.guide. Or guide.bible?
There will be a sex.faith and a faith.sex. Makes sense. I suppose we should have a little more.faith in the sex.life, and a little more.sex in the faith.life.
Speaking of sex… If you are looking for some hot sex, head on over to hot.sex, then make your reservation at hot.hotel, where you can make passionate.love in the lap.of.luxury where things get really.hot. Of course, if you are on a budget, you can go to sex.deals or deals.sex or sex.bargains or bargains.sex? Sorry this is all confusing.so.
My gosh, there will be an adult.sex, and a sex.adult! Surely we need them both! And I suppose sex.equipment and equipment.sex mean two different things… But I would never shop at these crazy.sites, of course, because unlike many who practice in.fidelity, I believe in marital.fidelity.
Speaking of in.fidelity… Did you know that there might very well be an infidels.islam? Really, I couldn’t make any of this up! There may even be an infidels.makeup!
Well, hopefully none of this is for.kids… because as everyone knows, the current generation of kids has access to some very un.kosher materials!
How about love.gay, and gay.love? How about gay.church, if you are looking for a gay-friendly church. Or maybe church.gay? Which is it?
There’s a new motivational website coming next year: life.sucks. Be careful not to confuse it.sucks.now and now.it.sucks. I’ll tell you what.sucks: everything costs.money!
There will be a screw.you; there’s already an everyone.screws.me in the works…
There will be a hi.mom, and a mom.sucks. A my.poker, which means something profoundly different than play.poker… although on second thought, with my marriage lately, I’m not so sure.
If you smell bad, you can go to mens.cologne; if you are on a budget, you can check out cologne.cheap, or cheap.cologne, although they are operated by different.associates.
If by now you think all of this is a turnoff, go to turn.off, where you discover that industry experts predict as many as 30,000 of these new dot domains in the coming decade. We’re already screwed.so with 2,000, so what’s the difference? Go to the difference.is to find out.
Since I’m really stressed about all this, I’ll go to drug.dealer to get my fix. That would be a popular one. A kind of next generation Craigslist: drug.dealer/ny, drug.dealer/chicago, drug.dealer/coke…. Or meth.dealer? All you Walter Whites beware: There might be an FBI.raid on your private.property, even if your brother-in-law Hank.is.family! But no worries: You can find not just a good.lawyer, but a good.crystal.meth.lawyer—that’s for Saul Goodman!
I prefer drug.delivery. You know, home.services. Plenty.safe, plenty.secure, although owned and operated by four different.enterprises. Make that five. Better.run if you are scared.so, though.
If the mob is after you, go to mob.protection. But am I really.safe? Where do I go for guaranteed.safety? Where can I feel.secure? Is there a safe.place on the Web anymore? Well, we can all go to the safe.house, where we can make.love and earn a college.degree, right.now!
There might very well be a .youtube, a you.tube, and a tube.you. I’ll tell you, my mind.is.racing! I think I’ll go on a new.quest before becoming an alter kocker and settling into.retirement. Or was that retirement.aarp? Before I do, I think I’ll relax in a nice.decadent.spa, where I can relax in a private.salon, then get my hair done at done.hair. I’m done, all right! If you think I need to join a support.community, you’re right. Or should I go to community.support? Or should I just type in, I.need.help?
With all these new dot domains, I predict an explosion.of.business for the psychiatrists, so I’ll head on over to psychiatrists.me
Maybe Lady Gaga can help.me. Where can I buy.tickets? Or do I go to tickets.buy? I know! I’ll go to Gaga.Monster! Or was that Gaga.fan?
That reminds me, I need a new.watch. I prefer a swiss.watch. Or should I go to watch.swiss? I suppose at watch.swiss I can watch the swiss make.watches. Can I just rent.a.watch? Or do I go to watches.for.rent? (Matt Cutts, are you following any of this? Is.Google.able to make any sense of all this, or is SEO going to become a verkochte.casino, as my beloved grandmother used to say?)
The great English poet Sir Walter Scott once said:
Oh what a tangled web we weave
When we practice to deceive!
I guess we can all go to tangled.web, which is probably some conspiracy to get us to go to drugs.pharmacy… and of course, what would the Internet be without politics… there will be a blog for every stupid.democrat, and every stubborn.republican, and news junkies who will feel.rightathome in all the nonsense. Oops! I meant to say junkies.news!
But thankfully, if I am really looking for inner peace, I can go to ashtanga.yoga, where I can slow my metabolism to absolute.zero, and lose myself in the bliss.zone. Really.cool. No.coffee for me—not when I am meditating!
When I was younger, I was a party.horse; now I prefer to attend a horse.party, where the gracious.host allows.me to pet.the.pets at my neighborhood.hangout. (Hangouts.me is just as good). The only problem is when the animals f.art. I have to be careful about my.declining.health.
Ok, I admit: I might have a problem with how I see.the.world, so I guess I’m screwed.so. You.and me both.
If you are looking for health.food, you can’t buy an organic.apple at dot.apple, but maybe a rotten.mango at fresh.mango. If you want junk.food, maybe you should head on over to food.mcdonalds. (BOOM!)… McDonald’s, please for.give me! or was that for.giv.me?)
Oh, and by the way, mom, you need to go to beginners.cooking! Or was that beginners.cooking.courses?
If you have any good.tips, please email.me so we can trade.tips and share tricks.of.the.trade. We can even engage in insider.trading, as long as we are not.beknown to the government!
Just go to the hottest.night.club, where you can club the domain.expert who dreamed all of this up and promised us that we would strike.gold, and little of this would.fail. In reality, the Internet might very well be beyond.repair!
Lord.save the Internet! When Jesus said, “Seek and ye shall find,” he did not have satan.seek, satan.search, or satan.sexy in mind! Hall & Oates sung that song, Sara Smile, now it’s satan.smile. The Internet is about to go.lilly with all these wicked.sick.new.ventures!
Peter wrote about the morning.star that rises in our hearts; I am coming to believe we are not.as.smart as we think we are, and suffer from arrogance and pride… It figures: there is no .pride.
One thing I know for sure: When all this is over, when planet.earth goes crazy from all these new.domains, we’ll all need a good.memorial, where we can say bon.voyage to all the new crap.on.earth. There is no dot.predictions, but there is a predictions.me, and I predict that Memorial.me will become a super.hot.property, because the dot.me is is already mainstream, trusted, unique and original, and used by leading companies and a slew of innovative startups from the free.world.
One thing is for sure: We consumers will.pay dearly for each dot domain that tempts.us, misleads.us, distracts.us and, ultimately that angers.us by failing to serve the public interest. ICANN has really cast.a.cloud over the Internet. In God.we.trust, but do we trust in all these confusing.new.domains? Will there be a Satan.we.trust?
Brave.new.earth! Depraved.new.world! To the powers that be, I say: STOP.TORTURING.ME!